~ The State of Missouri ~

Yes, there is a huge state right there beyond Kansas City and St. Louis; and it is called MISSOURI
It has some beautiful large cities and is also full of MANY, MANY small towns
And abundant farm land which we call RURAL MISSOURI
Here is a Missourian's take on "Rural Missouri"
and it's quite accurate


1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot

2. Turn your cap around straight. Your head isn't crooked

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road'
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus
Drive it, or get out of the way. I drive a pickup truck because I want to

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you
But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 and I-29 go west and south

5. So you have a $60,000 car... we're really impressed
We have $250,000 combines... to harvest corn and soybeans
and they are driven only 3 weeks a year

6. So every person in rural MISSOURI waves
It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand
You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time

8. Yeah, we eat meat, potatoes and gravy, beans and biscuits, and homemade pie
You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at Jim's bait shop

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season
It's like a religious holiday held the Saturday before Thanksgiving

10. Men and boys open doors for women. That applies to all women, regardless of age
(your grandmother, your mother, your wife, your sister, your daughter, your granddaughter, your girlfriend, and all other women)

11. No, there is no "vegetarian special" on the menu
Order steak or chicken. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the ham and turkey

12. You bring 'coke' into my house... it better be brown, wet and served over ice

13. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long blonde hair

14. The Missouri Tigers and high school football are as important here as the K.C. Royals and the K.C. Chiefs
And they're a lot more fun to watch

15. Colleges? We have them all over. We have MU, UCM, MSU, Community Colleges, Vo-techs, and a whole bunch of others
Students come out of there with an education plus a love for God and Country
And they still wave to everybody when they come home for the holidays

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap isn't music anyway
We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1.)

17. Most of our men are real men - - and most of them are gentlemen

18. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard... it's a flurry. Drive in it like you have some sense
And DON'T take all our bread, milk, and eggs off the grocery shelves
This is not Alaska! Worst case.. you may have to live a whole day without croissants
Anyway... the pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day

19. If you've never been here, come visit our friendly folks and enjoy our spectacular scenery...
Lakes, farmland, great fishing and hunting, wineries, museums, lots of history

20. By the way, if you want to talk to God in Missouri

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